Effective Parenting Healthy Communication Self Esteem Effective Discipline Ages and Stages Online Safety Active Learning
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Other Than Punishment
Punishment is a way to inflict physical or emotional pain in an effort to control, overpower, retaliate, shame, embarrass, or insist on compliance. A punishment is meant to hurt, not teach. This type of hurtful action will not help promote connection between parent and child. Rather, punishment is destructive of relationships.
At times when a punishment does result in compliance, the child has done so under stress and duress, and has been pushed away. This may result in feelings of frustration, hostility, resentment, and contempt. As a result, a child may then act out with angry behavior.
It's healthier to use consequences for misbehavior as a teaching tool. There are natural consequences and imposed consequences. Parents need to decide which is best to use to teach a child lessons on maturity, responsibility, respect, and other proper behavior. Ironically, consequences may feel like punishment to a child, but without the punitive and destructive subtext. When used properly, healthy consequences can actually help build connection between parent and child.
Time outs for children have become an extremely common "imposed consequence" for just about any and every misbehavior from a child. Many times, however, a time-out for a child is used inappropriately by parents. An inappropriate, less healthy, use of the "time-out" for children is a form of punishment that intends to shame, blame, and/or emotionally banish a child.
Some examples of less than healthy time-outs for children:
"Young lady, you sit in the corner and think about how badly you've behaved." "Because you behaved so badly, no one wants to be around you. Now sit in that chair." The key purposes of a healthy time-out are to interrupt destructive or inappropriate behavior, give the child the opportunity to calm down, to provide outside safety and control, and to enforce rules about safety and respect.
An example of a healthier use of a time out for a child:
"Wow, you're really frustrated and need some time to calm down. You need to sit in the other room for a few minutes until we are both sure you can play without hitting someone when you get frustrated. I'll come back in a few minutes and you can tell me and show me that you are ready to come back and play again."
The length of a healthy time out should be one minute for each year of age of a child. For instance, a five year old's maximum time out is five minutes. Parents should gently, but firmly, insist a child move away from any problematic situation to calm down. Parents should be calm and clear that the purpose of the time out is to take a break. In fact, sometimes a parent may not even want to call it a "time-out" if that term means "punishment" to a child. Rather, perhaps, call it "taking a break" or "time to calm down."
When time outs are done correctly, a child will feel relieved, unashamed, and cared for. The child may still act and feel frustrated or angry, but ultimately, not humiliated, shamed or banished.
A parent may need to physically move a child and/or stay with a child during time out, to comfort, help focus or explain what is needed in order for the child to return to the activity. At the end of the time out, or as soon as a child is ready to apologize or make amends, parents can affirm the child for doing a good job of calming down and getting himself or herself back in control, and for taking appropriate responsibility for his or her actions or behavior.
And sometimes, it may be the parent who needs time out. If a parent is losing control and feels he or she may say or do something that may be less than healthy in a situation, perhaps a parent time out would be helpful. For a parent, the time out may be used to calm down, get clarity on an issue and the proper response, and to refocus on healthy, effective discipline.
Effective Discipline: Using 
